Flathead Living Winter 2009/2010 : Page 28
A Camp to Remember WHILE REMEMBERING A LOSS story and PhotograPhy By Kay BjorK One little girl stands silent as tears stream down her face. Another camper crumples into the arms of a counselor. Two other campers stand quietly, arms draped over each other’s shoulders. Two younger boys turn and run to the lake for the evening campfire. Ready to roast marshmallows. Ready to move on. At least for now. A Camp to
Community
Edward R. White
Tamarack Camp Director Tina Barrett is bouncing around with her clipboard greeting campers when she spots the little boy sitting outside the merry-goround of laughter and activity. The little boy sits with his head resting on his arms as he watches the rest of the kids laughing, sharing friendly pats, playful shoves, and happy hugs. He wonders what kind of camp this will be—knowing that he is here because his mother died. Knowing that everyone is here because somebody died. His father sits next to him, his hand on his son’s shoulder.
Tina greets the little boy with a smile that is like sunlight breaking through the canopy of evergreen trees overhead. She has Diego, another camper, in tow. Diego plops down next to the boy to offer encouragement. Diego knows what it is like to lose someone because he lost his dad, and he also knows about Camp to Remember because it is his fifth camping experience. As a returning camper he serves as a Peer-as-Leader (PAL) to new campers. He tells the little boy, “I come back to the camp every summer. For me, I come back because friends here understand me the way my friends at home can’t.”
Shortly afterward the little boy says goodbye to his dad and joins the rest of the campers.
A Camp to Remember is a summer camp offering the usual camp fun along with support and healing for kids ages 8 to 14 who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Barrett has been camp director for over 35 grief camps on Montana mountain lakes since 1997.
Grief camp: two words that when separated conjure opposite emotions.
Grief evokes thoughts of loss, pain, tears, and emptiness, while camp usually means fun, laughter, carefree spirits, a full heart, and happy times. Together they represent a place where children feel like they have permission to be happy when they feel happy and sad when they feel sad.
A Camp to Remember offers the carefully balanced elements of freedom and protection. A high counselor-tocamper ratio ensures that every child gets the attention, assistance, and assurance they need.
Tamarack Board President Jim Parker says, “The counselors are considerate, loving, and supportive and they set the tone of the camp. It helps campers feel permission to be children and to be themselves…We can’t fix or change their loss but we can give them protection as they pick up tools to deal with their grief.”
Diego Steele says he felt extremely vulnerable his first year at camp but quickly discovered that he could trust the people at camp with his feelings. He has been a PAL for four years now and is one of the stars of the camp at Flathead Lake with his charismatic and playful manner—both good tools, but bottom line: it’s his big heart that wraps around everyone.
Steele says that his annual camp experience is a time of renewal. “It is like a New Year’s. I come with all my problems and struggles, not just my loss. I can let go here. Here I can have finer thoughts.”
Barrett based her doctoral thesis on the effectiveness of outdoor-based grief support programs after interviewing over 100 grieving children. Her research supported her thesis that the outdoors provides a wonderful platform for helping children work through their grief because it provides a great playground, a peaceful place for quiet reflection, and the therapeutic effect of connecting with moving, living things such as trees, water, and earth. She notes that there are also many natural metaphors that exist in some of the camp activities that resemble the process of grieving. As the children work through the challenges of a backpacking trip or a tipped boat they find that humor, determination, observing someone else’s efforts, and words of encouragement help them get through it—the same elements that will help them get through their grief.
Barrett explains that kids grieve differently from adults because of their ability to understand death. School-aged children return to their grief throughout their lives as their understanding of life and death matures. They find themselves reprocessing their losses during milestones or significant moments in their lives when they especially miss that person—such as holidays, graduations, or when they get married. Time doesn’t end grief because the passage of time just brings a new phase of grieving. This is why returning to camp becomes so treasured by children who have suffered a loss.
Tamarack Grief Resource Center strives to help the bereaved find ways to integrate that loss and grief into their lives through the camp experience. One camper expressed it very eloquently after her first camp: “For me [camp] was like letting go and holding on at the same time…It also helped me learn to hold on to my sister and my best friend in my heart and memory by carrying on with my life and sharing with others their strengths and my own.”
After 12 years of camps, Barrett says they have watched campers grow in their grief journeys. Through this experience many of them gain leadership skills and attend camp as PALs, then as counselors. Tamarack supports these children yearround with a winter reunion, a holiday greeting card, photos and contact lists, and an open line when the kids or guardians need someone to talk to. Parents are invited to attend a workshop with staff the last day of camp to discuss what happened at camp, ideas for supporting grieving children while dealing with their own grief, differences between child and adult grief, and how parents can take care of themselves while nurturing their kids.
Tamarack’s goal is to have these same support systems outside of the camp through family and community programs that help people find ways to support and strengthen the bereaved. Barrett says that grief programs tend to be under the radar screen because of the uncomfortable and frightening thought of losing a loved one. One of their goals is to make people more comfortable and supportive as a community in handling grief.
The Tamarack professionals have experience in both bereavement and outdoor activities so they are able to balance grieving and remembering with the light-hearted fun of camp. Campers swim, canoe, kayak, play games, sing, do arts and crafts, put on a variety show, and go on nature walks. Other activities include remembering their loved ones. Colorful memory banners created by the campers are draped at the entry of each of their cabins. Campers collect memory objects such as a special rock, stick, or leaf to use later in a commemoration ritual.
Campers are given a choice of activities to match their needs or moods throughout camp. Besides the more rowdy camp play there is a memory trail for a quiet time of contemplation and natural nooks like a rocky ledge overlooking the lake or a tree in the forest to lean against while journaling.
It looks like a typical camp. Kids tear down to the lake where they have a full menu of activities; kayaking, fishing, swimming, sunning, floating in an inner tube, or doing cannon balls. They act and interact like family. The older kids look out for the younger kids. The older kids tease the younger kids. And the younger kids tease back. They giggle uncontrollably. Or they sit together quietly on the beach in comfortable companionship.
They all know and accept that sometimes the fun times might be interrupted or injected with tears. But that’s life. And that’s the way it goes. And keeps going. And keeps things going. Laugh, cry, do a cannon ball, roast a marshmallow, maybe cry again. But as long as the laughing, the roasting marshmallows and ability to make a splash exist—life goes on.
Seven keys to being a comforter
1 Ask and Listen. Sincerely ask about the experience. “What is this like for you?” Avoid saying, “ I know just how you feel.” Every person’s experience and response is unique.
2 Offer specific help. During times of stress it is difficult to identify how others can offer support. Consider what you have to contribute and offer practical ideas. “I’d like to cook dinner for your family next week. I could drop food off at 5 on Monday if that works for you.” or “I can plow your driveway this winter.” 3 Bring symbols of care. Plants, food, and cards are tokens of thoughtfulness.
4 Remind the person how special s/he is to you. Avoid clichés that minimize the experience. Comments such as, “there must be a good reason for this” or “this will make us all stronger” are hurtful and insensitive. Emphasize your care for the person and your willingness to journey through the experience together.
5 Allow them to set the mood. Express acceptance for laughter, tears, venting, relief, confusion, silence, fear, silliness or whatever the person brings up.
6 DO SOMETHING! Most importantly, if you are close to someone who is grieving, show up. Even remarking, “I don’t know what to say” expresses your effort to reach out. Avoiding or ignoring someone is far more destructive than stumbling over your words.
7 Keep showing up. Grief goes on forever. One of the hardest times for many families is when the casseroles stop showing up. Share your own fond memories. Acknowledge significant dates. Keep making phone calls, sending cards, and creating time to be together for years and years.
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